I always feel like, somebody's watching me.

Things seem to be turning around quickly. that or i've stopped caring about how i appear when i talk to strangers. Maybe it's just a facet of getting older, who cares. it's working for me.

You see, i've been chatting with one of the baristas at my local starbucks. typically i'll make polite, succinct conversation with them when i roll through in the mornings to pick up my pick me up. I don't like to speak much in the mornings, that's why i get up so early. it gives me time to warm back up to humanity before i have to interact. So, here i am interacting with the new set of baristas at a starbucks on the way to work. i quit going to my old one closest to the house since there was one barista that had begun to sort of stalk me when i got there, allow me to explain:

So there i was, doing my thing, getting my coffee. Normal saturday afternoon, right? It's not crowded or anything so i figure the wait won't be bad. There's a lady chatting to the cashier so i stand away from the counter and pretend to read the menu boards. I say pretend because i know what i want, the same thing i always get, Grande Cappuccino, whole milk, one raw sugar. i prefer the unprocessed sugar and whole milk, it tastes better and i'm not that concerned with the calorie count. i watch what i eat and get a bit of exercise through rock climbing and sculling.

Anyway back to the lecture at hand, there i stood pretending to wait when the other guy on duty comes out from behind the counter, walks up to me and puts his hand on my arm, above my elbow and asks a little too sweetly, "How are you? What can i get you today?" I disengaged my arm and took a small step backwards. "Um, just the usual, thanks" i said. Never have i had a barista come out from behind the counter to talk to me. Maybe it was just slow and they're starting some new friendliness initiative. I pretty much dismissed his odd behavior from my mind and moved on to pay and wait for my drink. When i got my coffee there was a little smiley face wearing glasses on it. Guess it was supposed to be him, he wears glasses. Creepy. I try to enjoy my coffee and move on, it tastes like weirdo.

About a week later, i'm back again. I look around before entering and dont see him so i figure it's clear. I enter, place my order, and wait for my drink. I had just gotten my hair cut which plays into this part of the story. As i'm standing there, i feel someone run their fingers up the nape of my neck to my new, shorter hairline. "Get a hair cut today?" he asks in a mildly sibilant voice that creeps me out big time. I shudder and shake like a wet dog, trying to get the feeling of his fingers off of me. "um, yes." i reply. i walked out, leaving my drink on the counter.

I had decided that was enough and i wouldn't go back. My brother insisted that i go back and talk to the manager. he said if the guy was making me uncomfortable i needed to talk to the manager and not let this creep get the upper hand. I really like Joe, the manager of that particular starbucks so i thought i'd give him a try. The next week, i went in early one morning before work to talk to him. I explained the situation and how i'm not a really touchy/feely person. i dont let the kids touch me at work, unless they need a hug for some reason. i dont like the other teachers hugging or messing with me much at work either. It's just not my thing. Joe said he understood and would talk to the guy. He was sympathetic and that was good. I'd hate to have to go elsewhere i told him. I really liked the people that worked there, except for him. I took them baked goods i made, knew a few of them by name, heck, one of the girls there wants me to bake desserts for her wedding next year! So i went on my merry way and hoped the situation would be resolved.

Cut to a couple of days later. Once again, i'm hitting the friendly neighborhood Starbucks for my morning java. By now i've taken steps to insure i dont see Mr. Creepy again. The people that work here all park in front of the store and i've made a mental note of which car is his by process of elimination over the course of a week or so. Even though his car is there, i go in anyway. He stayed behind the counter and started to make my drink, i thought things were going ok. Maybe i could keep coming here and avoid unpleasantness, right up until the time he handed my drink. as i reached for it, he grabbed at it again, putting his hand over mine and saying, "I hope you enjoy your drink." I grabbed my drink, snatched my hand away, and threw up a little in my mouth. That was the last time i ever went in, ever.

Fastforward to about eight months later. School's starting up again and i need a new Starbucks to fulfill my coffee needs before work. Since i live in Dallas, there's one around every other corner, it's not to hard to choose a new one. I begin to frequent a new one between work and home. This one is full of friendly people who don't try to accost me on a regular basis. There is one girl who works there that caught my eye though. we make polite conversation and she gives me a hard time occasionally for dressing down for work. Two days a week we can wear jeans and our college shirts or 'spirit wear' like our school shirts. they really razzed me on picture day when i came in wearing a tie and jacket!

Anyway, i went in one day and could tell she was having a bad day, this was @ 6:30 in the morning. I happened to bake my waffle cookies the night before and decided to bring her in a few in one of my tins. I keep lots of tins to put baked goods in. by now my friends give me their used ones from Christmas with the hope that I'll fill them back up! i usually do.

So i took her a tin of cookies and told her to have a better day. The next time i came in, she came from behind the counter and crushed me in a hug and thanked me for bringing her the cookies, said it made her day so much better. This became our ritual. I'd come in and see her once or twice a week, she'd come out and give me a big hug or sometimes even take her break and talk to me for a few minutes in the morning. I discovered she's a student, a good bit younger than me, and has three jobs. One of them was at Gamestop, the local video game store. I was immediately attracted to her. I mean, how many gals am i going to find that like video games and are cute like her? Not many.

Now it's this week. I've gotten over feeling bad for canceling the New Mexico girl's trip out here and I'm headed to starbucks monday afternoon for some coffee. I just got my Playstation 3 and I'll be up late playing it online with my brother. Amanda's about to go into work but she sits with me to rap for a few minutes. Now a'days she makes sure she hugs me and makes a joke about being a starbucks perv like the other guy. ha. ha. I decided what the hell, I'd ask her out. i almost feel like I've been getting that vibe from her. then again, what do i know? I'm fairly inept socially like that, at least i think so. But things went well. i offered to cook her dinner and she accepted. As i was making my way out Jay texted me and wanted a cup of coffee for himself. that was a nice opportunity to go back in and maybe get her phone number. silly me, she was ahead of me there and had her number written on one of the sleeves.

i was fairly proud of myself. i honestly don't remember a time where i asked someone out like that on the spur of the moment. Not in high school, when i was terribly sensitive about my height or college where i was too wrapped up in classes and hanging out with my relatively small social circle.

guess there's always hope right?

tio

Photograph - I don't want your

so i was asked to elucidate on the whole canceling my friend's visit from out west this weekend. apparently i didn't give enough of the juicy details that lead up to everything.



in general, i consider myself to be fairly liberal. politically, i've always voted democrat, i think we should legalize some things that are not legal now. I mean, come on, if we'll allow people to drink themselves silly, why not let them smoke themselves silly too? thinking back on my college days, i'd have much rather been in a car with someone who'd been smoking than someone who'd been drinking. of course some of this may stem from my super low tolerance of alcohol too. being a lightweight, a couple of drinks and i'm down for the count.



anyway, so back on topic. For the most part i'm pretty liberal. however, in some ways i'm pretty old fashioned. i'm growing a garden in the back yard, i get up at 5:30 to read the news paper and have my coffee before work, and i carry a handkerchief in my back pocket. I've never really been interested in dating several girls at one time. I'll meet someone and stick with them until i've figured out if it's going to work. casual dates never really appealed to me. i've always been taken with the notion of getting married and staying that way. so far i'm 0 for 1 on that front.



in my earlier post i mentioned pictures being one of the major reasons things turned sour. how ever could that be you ask? well, it went a little something like this:



She asked if i'd like some more pictures, we'd exchanged a few pictures already. Something a bit naughty she said. i thought, hmm, maybe something low cut or one of her favorite outfits that make her look good. we all have that one outfit that we think we look best in. it shows off our best attributes and gives us that spark of confidence, " i dont think i look good tonight, i know it!" i had no idea what i was in for.



i rolled home and fired up the computer, thought i'd get a look in before the guys got to the house for game night. *thunk* <---- thats the sound of my jaw hitting the floor when i opened my mail and saw a series of progressively naughtier pics. By the last one, all her naughty bits were showing and i was stunned. bear in mind, i've only spoken to this girl on the phone and exchanged emails with her, we've never met in real life. Now, i'm not all that old, just 32. she's five years younger than me and i didn't think our differences would be that great over something like this. I'd never, ever, send nude photos to someone i'd met on the Internet. hell, i'd never send them to anyone at all. Even if i was still married to my ex and she was away from home for a while, i wouldn't have sent them to her. It's just not something i'm comfortable with. again this has nothing to do with how i look, i'm quite happy about my body, just shy i guess.



Now, imagine trying to explain this to her. "No, it has nothing to do with how you look in the pictures, you're a very pretty girl. I'm just not comfortable with getting those in the mail." she declined to believe that. instead she insisted it was because she was 'a little overweight' from the baby she had a few years ago. let's be frank, her extra weight was a little discomforting. It's not like she was shamu huge or anything, just a little heavier than she'd like and while it wasn't attractive to me, it was something that she was working on and that would have been fine with me. For Pete's sake, i'm only 5'2" tall. i'm ok with a little physical imperfection, what choice do i have?



thats the long and short of it. She texted me last night wanting more explanation of what went so wrong so quickly. i declined to make a phone call to her. a friend said to me, Wednesday she cried. Today, she's pissed and wants to yell at you. I'm not a big fan of that so i'll write her an articulate email she can read and rant at whenever she's ready.



on the upside, i baked a baklava last night. i hated it. but then again, i don't like much of anything that i bake. it's not really for me anyway, it's for the masses. once again i took a few pictures but can't get them posted on here to share with you.

got a bachelor party on tap for tonight. poor guy, doesn't know what he's in for!

tio

It's Christmas time in Hollis Queens, Mom's cooking chicken and collard greens.

my collards and mustard greens are coming along nicely. admittedly, i don't have a huge garden, just a couple of short rows so i could practice some fall planting. in the spring longer rows and more variety will follow. i still have to find the sprinkler lines anyway before i take the tiller to the yard.



yesterday i had a quick dinner with one of the girls from work. of course this will bring speculation from plenty of the other ladies here. Sometimes it's difficult to be one of three men on staff here at school. for the most part i'm used to it after ten years of teaching, but sometimes i still get surprised. i jokingly asked if she wanted to rent a room in the house. i'm halfway hoping she'll consider it. i could use the cash and she's laid back enough that i think we could get along, even though she is a republican. we cant all be perfect right?



The debates last night were more of the same for the most part. McCain was like a pitbull, minus the lipstick, and Obama reminded me a bit too often about the last eight years. in the primaries, i voted for Hillary. I love the Clintons, his years in office were good for me. i had tremendous respect for McCain up until the point he chose Palin as his running mate. that was such a terrible decision to me. To me he was just trying to curry favor with women voters. Does he think they're all dumb? She in no way seems ready to be a heartbeat away from the presidency, but what do i know, i'm just an elementary school teacher. besides, living in Texas my vote wont count for much anyway.

and what's up with pledging allegiance to the state of texas, how bizare. growing up in MS i didn't pledge my allegiance to that state, thank goodness, i can hear it now:

"I pledge allegiance to thee Mississippi,
One state under ignorance and backwards thinking!"

The whole texas pledge thing is just another reminder of the ridiculous ego that texas and texans seem to have about their state. i often wonder, if you think it's so great here.....have you ever left? Have you seen the rest of the country? Tried walking through the redwood forests of California? Meandered through the metropolis of NYC? Skied the black diamond slopes in Taos?

Oh, and Alaska is much bigger than texas and really close to russia, which apparently gives anyone living there great foreign policy experience!

tio

They hung my momma from a telephone pole, cause she baked my pa into a casserole

Finally i put my hands to good use. instead of pounding away at the keys on my cell, fumbling my way through t9 to send endless texts, i actually baked some pecan tassies. My mother's green recipe book opens easily to my grandmothers handwritten notes, stuffed into it's plastic sleeve.

Pressing out the tiny cups is therapeutic, forming each one so the sides are high enough to contain the pecans and filling. I mean come on, i have to eat the ones that don't come out right so i've got to get them right. I got the taste down a while back and changed up a little of how it comes together in the end from what my grandmother did. Now i work on making them actually look good.

As a novice cook and baker, i tend to worry more if things are edible and less about how pretty they look. I've baked much more than actually cooking dinner. All of it started not that long ago, not long after the divorce.

I'd gone through buying stuff to relieve my sorrows. that only works so long on a budget anyway. For some reason i watch tons of cooking shows on television. I remember doing this even when i was young and there was no Food Network or cable even! The Frugal Gourmet was a really interesting ( eccentric ) man on PBS who cooked dishes and explained where they came from originally and why we should eat them. Revolutionary at the time i guess. So, fast forward present day and i'm glutted with more cooking shows than i can watch and i decided to see if i had actually picked anything up from all that tv.

Kick open the pantry and see the old faithful box of brownie mix. throw in a giant sized chocolate, toffee bar and i've somehow made it, um, special. So, did that. Took it to work and fed the masses. They enjoyed it but i felt like, if it was good that was sort of too easy. I wanted to make something from 'scratch', whatever that meant.

"Who cares?" they said, " nobody can tell the difference anyway." I thought, no way. So, in my practice at the time of spending money to bring happiness i ran to target and bought a stand mixer. Somehow, i came across a Martha Stewart video about waffle cookies. I got a waffle iron from my grandmother a few years back so i thought why not. Armed with the stand mixer, waffle iron, an odd ingredient or two, and her video, i was off! A new hobby was born. Now i cook christmas dinner for the family and a few friends and bake a couple of times a month, cakes, pies, cookies, blah, blah, blah. it's fun.

The tassies came out really well tonight. I only ruined one or two, and forgot to set the timer altogether. Sometimes i feel as blond as i look. If i could figure out how to post a picture on here i'd show them to you.

oh and i figured out how to finally use a loaf of bread before it goes bad. I just need to invite my niece over and she helps me eat it for a snack! She's nearly two but growing like a weed, it's crazy. Not only that but my nephew will be here in just a few weeks, my baby brother with two kids, wildness.

tio

Quills from the porcupine they'll shoot straight through you

So, i did it yesterday. After much contemplation and palaver with my pseudo-spiritual advisors.

She was coming out this weekend and i was getting more and more freaked out. things were moving at a pace i'm not comfortable with at all. of course, this is all from my perspective. she said i was taking things all wrong:

She didn't want to move out east, texas would be fine
We didn't have to talk for hours on end every day, and yet she called 3 times a day and texted more than that.
I wasn't really her b/f but what else could she tell folks, perhaps just friends?
It was the photos that did it for me, just not ok with that this soon or ever.
Yadda, Yadda, Yadda.

So, now i'm footloose and fancy free again. Whatever will i do with myself? Back to eharmony for more relatively fruitless searches and matches with gals i may or may not meet? Try to pretend i'm not terribly introverted and shy and just "get out there!" as a friend put it. Yeah right. I'm not a big fan of people in general. I make snap judgements about them and usually stick to whatever i've decided. I trust my gut somewhat and i'm starting to listen more and more to it. While many folks said wait for her to come out and see what happens, the voices in my head rang out in a chorus of cancel this now, dont extend suffering, don't bring this to a head face to face!

Cowardly or preemptive? Selfish or stupid? Wimpy or wonderful?

Who cares! i feel better, i can eat again, i slept soundly.

that's what matters, right?

mike check

*check one, two*

is this thing even on? I guess i'm just supposed to spew forth whatever happens to be crossing my mind or perhaps plan out my own brand of spiel for the masses.

So a friend talked me into this and perhaps it'll be a good way to purge the toughts that course through my brain like 5 tvs with the channel changing button taped down. Sometimes i'm able to turn the volume down on a couple of them and shapen my foucs on one or two things happening. Most times, even when i look like i'm paying attention, the stations are flipping like mad behind my eyes. Might be nice to see a little slow down every now and then but i worry that i wouldn't know what to do with the peace and quiet that entails.

here, try this. i wrote it for my kids a few years ago to show that all poetry doesn't have to ryhme and they can be about anything.


Oatmeal

Eat it all
-But Mom!
Or no Red Dawn
-But Mom!
It's not that bad!
-I'll puke!
No, you won't
-I delayed, it got cold
-clammy, drippy, gross
Hurry now, drink it up
-I did, I puked
-At least the movie was good!


There ya go, a little poetry second grade style. True story too. It took me about 10 years after that to even try oatmeal again. That was on a canoe trip down the buffallo river in Arkansas. All we had for breakfast was apple and cinnamon oatmeal. Now i don't like cinnamon in general and didn't like otameal at the time either so this was a real adventure for me. After a week on the river, i was still convinced that oatmeal was not for me. About another 5 or 6 years later i discovered the wonder of maple and brown sugar oatmeal, long before Starbucks started touting it as a healthy alternative to their sugar laden bland snacks.

After the divorce, i started baking and learned how much better home-made stuff is than what you can buy at starbucks or the grocery store. Even though i dont eat the things i bake much, i do sample it all to make sure the quality is good and that i didn't screw up the recipe too badly.